Wasting Time Together

Maybe that’ll make everyone happy, and plus, I’ll be rich!  If I do stick with Poli Sci, I’ll be poor!  Plus, I’d be a massive disappointment and provide no return on the investment my parents have made in me.  Because that’s what I am…  An investment…  Being a doctor will make everything better.  I mean, at least now people won’t say, “Oh!  So you’re NOT following in your dad’s footsteps, eh!?”  Maybe then I can shake the feeling of crushing disappointment that comes with saying I’m a Political Science major…  Doctors get respect, man!  That’s something I’ll never get following my passion (which I’ve already altered several times to make it more “realistic” in terms of having a career…).  So it’s not even my real passion, anyway!  It’s just something I’ve settled for because it’ll provide a steady income and relative success (or so I thought.  Guess I was wrong about that…).  I’ll look into changing tomorrow…  

my relationship with my girlfriend is deteriorating fast, and i dont know how to save it… alex is right, i dont sound happy. it could be for a variety of reasons… maybe because she doesnt really seem interested in giving any extra effort into this (which is understandable, i guess, considering her life recently and her last relationship, but still), maybe its the fact that she does have the tendency to talk down to me sometimes (especially the other day, when she called me doing physical activity “cute” and called me lazy AND said how her life is so much more interesting than mine), or perhaps its that everything she says feels like its just done to placate me. theres no spontaneity, just regularly scheduled reminders of how i make her happy. its just words at this point. i never actually know if shes happy anymore… shed disagree with everything i just said, but thats how i feel… right now, i just wanna play some contact sport and hurt something/get hurt… that always calms me down… oh, and still no job! which makes me the only 19 year old without one, i think… its great! except not… *sigh* isolation, boredom, uselessness, long-distance relationship… i feel a breakdown coming on…

I do productive things, right?

I need someone else to take this out on, because being pissy with one’s significant other is never conducive to a happy relationship…

I don’t even know what just happened…  I hate long distance…

Audrey refuses to believe that Ashley and I can keep a relationship going without seeing each other for the entire summer…  And she felt the need to reiterate this several times over dinner…  Thanks sis…  Feelin real great about that one…  blurgh…

But something about their sound just seems off…  I mean, they have a saxophone and mellow guitar sound!!  alas, I cannot love them…

fuck.  everything…  panic has turned into contained, silent rage…

Something’s wrong and I don’t know what it is and i’m freaking out and i need to write these essays which are a freaking lot of my grade and i cant focus and holy shit…  brain, shut up!  shut up shut up shut up shut up!  motherfucker!  FUCK!!  maybe i’ll just sleep for a little until i stop freaking out…  hah.  right…  

welp, I’m fucked…  No sleep for me again!  w00t!

AKA worrying…  abundant worrying…  Balls…

The land of smoke, beer, hills, sickness, and the color gray with a hint of mist…  oh, and no internet…  that too…

IMMA COME AT THIS PAPER LIKE A SPIDER MONKEY!  This is gonna be the best effing paper in the fucking world!  And I don’t know why I used effing in the first part of the sentence, then said fucking anyways in the second part.  My brain is going a million miles a minute.  It’s a miracle I can understand what I’m writing…  By the end of this, my sentences will be so complex and convoluted that I won’t even understand what I’m saying, thus allowing the professor to interpret it however she likes…  Win…  Kbai